Which spoon is inside you?
We all have one
You might have heard by now that we’re all estimated to have one plastic spoon’s worth of microplastics in our brain tissue. Some outlets wrongly reported it as just a “spoonful” of microplastics, but an author of the study clarified the amount is equivalent to that of “an entire standard plastic spoon.”
I never meant for Cherub Microplastics to become a spoon blog. I also never meant for it to hinge on the wellness buzzword that companies now use to make me scared of panties under $20. But here we are.
Take this quiz to find out what kind of spoon you’ve incubated, what it means, and how to make your unique brand of spoonbrain work for you.
1. What do you spend the most money on, other than your home and therapy and groceries?
A. Eating out
B. Toys
C. Entertainment
D. Clothes
E. Not sure
F. Temu
2. Pick a place to go on vacation.
A. Vail
B. Sanrio Puroland
C. Somewhere tropical
D. Macau
E. White Lotus Italy one!
F. Key West
3. What statement piece are you most likely to wear?
A. Bold pocket square
B. Something shiny or fuzzy clipped to my bag
C. Neon hoodie
D. Dramatic sun hat
E. Chunky funky necklace
F. Tie-dye Crocs
4. What kind of job do you have?
A. Something with computers, don’t worry about it
B. Something with computers, I’m worried about it :(
C. None
D. Design
E. Managerrrrr
F. Finance
5. How do you feel about having a spoon in your brain?
A. Not great, but I’m keeping up with newer studies
B. Worried because I love putting my toys in my mouth. I will not stop putting my toys in my mouth.
C. It’s all good probably
D. I’m pretty mindful about my plastic usage. I think I’ll be OK.
E. It’s so crazy! Call me when there’s ice cream too 🤪
F. Spoon
6. Do you collect anything?
A. Not really
B. Toys
C. Tattoos
D. Stationery
E. Shot glasses
F. Wall art
7. How’s your head? Aside from the spoon.
A. Fine
B. I’m strong :)
C. Chill
D. Kind of unsettled, but dealing
E. Sassy and persistent 😘
F. good, ,
8. Remember when the news came out that all black plastic cooking utensils are made of old TVs or something? How did you react to that?
A. Bought non-TV ones.
B. I had to throw away my favorite spatula from Daiso but got these instead
C. Didn’t know about that… cowabunga
D. I mostly use wood and silicone anyway
E. It was the perfect excuse for a HomeGoods trip!
F. FAKE
Results
Mostly As: Squeaky Scary
This spoon is like a little businessman Ratatouilleing you at gunpoint. He’s ethically gray but has helped you achieve positive outcomes year-over-year. You are firm. You are moving up and to the right. He wants you to get Sweetgreen again for lunch. Obey.
Jury’s still out on whether he’s made from the selfsame formaldehyde TVs.
Mostly Bs: IKEA KALAS toddler spoon
This spoon is your inner child now. You’re gonna have to make that work. Treat it well and people will be like “wow, you’re so well adjusted.”
The exact color of the KALAS in you depends on your blood temperament (left to right: phlegmatic, choleric, sanguine, melancholic). Each has different but minor side effects, from decreased emotional regulation to calling cereal “seeweeyo.”
Keep this spoon happy with roundness, unboxing videos, and going to the new store at the mall that’s one hundred claw machines lined up back to back.
Mostly Cs: Taco Bell Mtn Dew Baja Blast Gelato Spoon
Hey, we know her! This spoon is up for anything, including not being a spoon.
Despite its roughness, this spoon is the smallest and least invasive in the brain. The main side effects include caring less about things like your Jira backlog, text messages, and medication schedules. You can still surf really well. Or if you couldn’t surf before, you should try now.
Mostly Ds: Sexy Pho
A subtle lover. This spoon has been giving you increasingly good taste for the past 3-5 years. You may have noticed more people complimenting the visual balance of your shrimp tank or the risks you’ve taken with your eyeshadow. This spoon cups your brain lumps in a way that is both comforting and challenging. She nudges you to be better and looks great doing it.
Appease this spoon with gripping tableaus and by learning to handwash your silk.
Mostly Es: Jen
oH, BITCH! GET READY! !!!!!
This is the spoon you want in your brain when the meteor hits. A real girl’s girl and the last to leave the shindig. She makes you more talkative, heartier in the face of various substances, and great at sourcing bodycon skirts that won’t ride up.
The color you get is determined by the last place you threw up (left to right: date’s house, hospital, cruise ship, ACL Festival parking shuttle). If you get this spoon, be sure to hydrate and charge your phone.
Mostly Fs: Big ladle
Oh.
We’re worried about you. Hang in there. It’s probably fine.