Anthropomorphize a Taco Bell Mtn Dew Baja Blast gelato spoon with me
Plus 3 unrelated poems 💕
As you might have heard, Taco Bell recently introduced Mtn Dew Baja Blast gelato.
The gelato1 is exactly what you think it would be like. But the real star of the experience is this cunty little spoon that came in the lid.
The size is perfect, the slightly bumpy texture entices me, and the lack of any real scooping function is audacious.
The TBMDBBG spoon is a keeper.
But who is she?
If she’s going to live in my house, I need to get to know her. First things first: what is her orientation?
Her sporting a larger head and smaller body is my first instict—a bit of a rustic Bratz. But I don’t want to insult her by assuming relation to Forky.
The bottom-heavy configuration seems more likely, and opens up more opportunities for outfits.
Next, she needs hair. For some reason I decide this is best done with polymer clay. I break out little blocks of it I got at Austin Creative Reuse for 15 cents.
This spoon strikes me as the kind of person who would have a “mop of hair.” I have never had a mop of hair and wonder what that would be like. This is my chance to understand. I make a bunch of skinny clay noodles and tangle them all up in various combinations.
Eyes next. The vision is a heavy lower lid for an unsettling edge.
Finally, I make some lumpy orange feet to slot her into. I choose this color because it complements her deep purple body and because I like circus peanuts. She will stand tall.
Humble beginnings, but I’m coming to understand the kind of woman the TBMDBBG spoon is: a little harried, a little over it, but I’ll be damned if she doesn’t have a point of view.
I am clothing atelier to the tchotchke
While the spoon’s body parts are in the oven, it’s fashion time. I want to go with some pastels to even out her other punchy hues. I’m sensing her style to be heavily influenced by Carol from Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.
Some scrap paper and a tasteful wrap construction gets us far. It has pockets!
I’m also going for a Fucked Up Polly Pocket vibe here, with a couple different outfits and elements to mix and match. For the next set I add some pieces of this Sho Poetry postcard into the mix.
The vest and little tank top come easily, but I feel weird just letting her walk around pussy-out. I try to fashion something out of a pipe cleaner I think I originally bought to make an L.O.L. Surprise pumpkin.2
…It’s still kind of out, but a) I’m not entirely sure of the anatomy going on here anyway and b) we still need something to slot into the feet I made.
I fashion a little circle scarf out of some string (#lifehack!) to add contrast. The spoon gazes at me sartorially, waiting for a face. A zanier, scrawnier, more relatable Miranda Priestley.
At this point, her eyes, hair bits, and shoes are done baking. I paint the eyes to give them an urbane je ne sais quoi.
Dash on a coy and stylish mouth.
Decide on hair configuration. I end up not using the 2 other hair bits because I’m worried they’ll prevent her from standing. I find this cut distinctive anyway, a bit Jane Schoenbrun.
Glue everything down…
Mother!!!!!! (nude)
Outfit 1: Mod snow queen
Now, we clothe. The high neck on this outfit lends a gravitas I didn’t know she could have. She doesn’t want to be at the function, but she’s still the best-dressed dame there.
I like how the holographic dots help her pull focus. The orange feet peeking out (feet, not shoes) keeps the whole thing from being too serious.
She looks just like Natalie Wood.
Outfit 2: Wacky gal about town!
This one’s much more everyday, more approachable, cute as shit. This is how I always wanted Groovy Girls to dress, but they never quite hacked it. I might make one my size to match.
It’s a little coquette with the ruffles, but nothing crazy. She has a job in the city. She’s up for a promotion if she can pull off this fall exhibition. If she had arms, she’d carry a large tote bag.
I love her
Through this process, a few things have become clear to me about our spoon woman:
Her name is Monica
Her favorite movie is Alita: Battle Angel
She pays estimated quarterly taxes, but never quite on time
She makes a mean matcha latte
She has a VISION.
I’m so happy for her.
Do you have a special spoon in your life? Do reach out. Maybe they can connect.
Poems, also
In a rare lapse of self-promotion, I forgot to yell about 3 new poems on here. They’re part of another JAKE summer series, this time one with a ~~summer lovin’~~ theme.
I had fun with all of these, and they’re all wildly different! Here’s the tl;dr:
An Update to Your Order—About the toxic sexual tension between a person and their takeout app
Another Wave—About pandemic sluttitude
Call & Response—About needing a better vacuum
Bye!
It’s really more on the sorbet end of the spectrum. People are angry about it. But it really clears up the sinuses.
Real heads know:
