Which spoon should you dig to Hell with?

A quiz

Ah, diggin’ to Hell with a spoon. The first goal I remember setting. It combined two of my primary interests as a 5 year old: small objects and the concept of sin.

There was also an air of frivolity that must have appealed to me (💅). Like, I knew where we kept the shovels, but a shovel seemed obvious, pedestrian. A hellspoon presented a certain je ne sais quoi, a stylish yet self-sacrificing way to meet the Devil. In the end, I never broke any ground on account of “spoons belonging inside,” but the allure persists.

Welcome to Cherub Microplastics, a home for my least marketable writing, announcements for my more marketable writing, pictures I have saved to my phone, toys, art, things I find on the ground, and Other.

Find your spoon match with the quiz below!

Which spoon should you dig to Hell with?

Well??

1. Why do you want to dig to Hell?

A. Meet Satan

B. Rescue a friend

C. Create content

D. Need to show Ronald Reagan a meme I think he’d like

E. It simply,, calls…

2. What’s your general take on spoons?

A. I am a spoon supremacist and use them to eat most things

B. They’re OK, but I prefer forks usually. (I am unwell)

C. I am utensil neutral

D. BIGS ONLY

E. SMALLS ONLY

3. How’s your relationship with your inner child?

A. Curbstomped ‘em

B. They’re rendered in miniature and attached to my armpit, but we’re cool

C. Through a combination of cognitive behavioral therapy, mindfulness practices, and a gratitude mindset, I am working with them to Heal. My home is warm neutrals with calming pops of color

D. Inner child? More like WINNER child! I take that hoe to D&B’s and we tag team the skee-ball. The tickets rain, and my soul settles.

E. We jest and jape

4. What’s your love language?

A. Physical exertion

B. English

C. “That’s valid”

D. T-shirt from T-shirt cannon

E. Quality time

5. Finally, pick a food to eat with your spoon before you start digging.

A. Gelato

B. Mashed potatoes

C. Green curry with tofu

D. Venison

E. Grape (1)

Results

Mostly As: The Dolphin Fantasy

Pointy at both ends, warding off evil, and giggling all the while. Let them not underestimate you. You are a bad bitch and you are equipped for the struggle.

Mostly Bs: Stalwart Chode

Dependable, no-nonsense, and incredible with a clipboard. You will dig the optimal route to Hell and run it like a well-oiled Bahama Buck’s.

Mostly Cs: She

OH DAMN, it is high femme hours! A lady with a schedule (soft ch) and a pocketbook. I’m not confident she’ll get you to Hell but you will cultivate influence and good favor along the way.

Mostly Ds: Whatever the fuck this is

Ugh. No. Jester-lookin-ass handle. Raisin-headed loon. Look, I’m sure you’re great, don’t let this get you down. Truly awful handfeel. Mud caking through the cutouts. Sorry this happened.

Mostly Es: The One

I did not think I would live to see the day. Reach out and grasp it, childe. The power within it sings and sings once more. The wide of brain and pure of heart must answer. Go. GO.

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