No One Is Doing It Like Pauline

The mayor of New Donk City is something that can actually be so personal

They say who you main in Mario Kart reveals a lot about you. By “they” I mean some teen with an anime prof pic and a name like “░S░O░U░P░░ I░N░░ B░I░O░,” but they’re right.

Each character has a type of person who gravitates toward it: Little sisters go for Toad or one of his ilk. Stats-savvy competitors choose Waluigi or Wiggler. Cute boys choose Yoshi. Thirty-year-olds who still talk about being in the gifted program choose Link. Shitposters with Substacks (myself included) often go for Shy Guy.

But with one of the more recent updates to Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, a new-to-me playable character emerged and changed it all: Pauline. Mario’s ex. Mayor of New Donk City. Jazz singer. THE Adult Human Woman in the Mario universe.

I don’t play any Mario games outside of the Kart, so I had no idea who this person was when her face appeared on the character selection grid.¹ But I knew I had to play as her, specifically as her on a bike. Pauline’s standard halter dress, which she wears in all the 4-wheeled karts, is great, but her lamé bike suit and demure low ponytail were on another level.

My first race as Bike Pauline revealed unto me a vision of feminine power I had only ever seen in wild birds and certain packagings of lipstick.

She normally sits facing forward.

Even on a surface level, Pauline’s aesthetic presents something glossy, solid, and streamlined, but still undeniably soft and dynamic. She exhibits none of the sugariness of Peach and friends but (at least in this most recent iteration) isn’t just SMOKIN’ HOT BOMBSHELL either. There’s a practicality to her—a Louis Vuitton Neverfull flavor of girl. Her earrings border on the mundane but have a weight to them the others don’t. Her makeup can go from day to night.

Then there’s the stunt animations (you can see a few here). For the uninitiated, stunting is when you do a fancy little jump during the race. Each playable character has a handful of different animations they deploy when you do this.

Nobody’s stunts can compare to Pauline’s. The controlled flinging. The strategic mix of curves and angles. The stage lights?? The unexpectedly long phrases (like singing “HIIIIIGH UP IN THE SKYYYY” when you are driving high up in the sky). The excessive use of a microphone stand she summons from nothing. The hair swooshes. The sleek and unmitigated femininity.

Shy Guy is over here saying “teehee” with his hands on his cheeks. Pauline is creating art.

In the game, Pauline is singular in her womanhood. She is a separate species from Princesses Peach, Daisy, or Rosalina. I mean this in a very literal way, not in a “not-like-other-girls” way. Pauline’s face and body differ fundamentally from that of the 3 princesses, who are all kind of designed as different flavors of one another.

This difference is no more apparent than in the design of the boots and leg:

Note the contrasts between Pauline (upper right) and the other three girlies. The heel is higher and sharper. The toe is less stubby, and the top of the boot doesn’t have the v-shaped Power Rangersy detail. The foot itself even angles differently during turns. Rosalina-Peach-Daisy’s boot is taller, which should read as more of a slay, but the understated elegance of Pauline’s mid-calf rise outshines them.

This is not the leg of a galactic princess collecting artifacts. This is Pauline, democratically elected civil servant and jazz singer, primed for the gig.

And yet, Pauline is like other girls—her clothes, hair, job(s), and context are more rooted in our reality than those of the other 3 primary women in the Marioverse. Her body is always less shrouded in cupcakery and thus more real. From hair to clothes to movements, her design feels more anchored in a touchable femininity. This is what makes Pauline so appealing, especially to someone with as studious and fickle a relationship to womanhood as me.

I’m not a woman, but I play one on TV.

On my femmest days, Pauline is the blueprint for an especially elusive version of feminine expression. Other times, she’s cheeky virtual drag for an evening. It’s unclear what kind of person mains Pauline—Wannabe gymnasts? Gender theorists? Mitochondria with a soccer mom inside? Maybe a combination of all these things. Time will tell.

I don’t always choose Pauline. But when I do, make no mistake: I am L A D Y, and I am flying over Rome, crooning AH YEAAAAAAH~~~, crossing my legs, moon on my boots.

You should try it too!

1. Apparently Pauline was the first female character in a video game to have a speaking role. She is the original Video Game Woman! Also, her original name was just Lady, and then a Nintendo warehouse manager named her after his girlfriend instead! OK!!!