How to crush job interviews when you're a raggedy plush ape
You got this
It’s a tough labor market out there, due to reasons. If you’re facing a return-to-office mandate, running out of VC funding, getting AI’d away, receiving disciplinary action for using a pronoun, or otherwise staring down the barrel of the laptop job winter, you might be quaking in your boots. I was too, except I don’t have boots, on account of I am a toy ape.
As a well-worn and honestly kind of fucked-up-looking 2000 Baby Ty Monkeybaby plush, I’m acquainted with doing the job search process on hard mode. I’ve learned a thing or two from which both ape and non-ape can benefit. I’ve got that dog in me, as they say, except the dog is a little rattle in my belly that jingles pleasantly when I am thrown.
Here are the #grindset lifehacks to secure your next gig, with or without civil rights or the stability of the American dollar.
Do your research
So you’ve got a job interview. Do you know who the company is? Hell, do you know what the job is? When you’re a mass-produced comfort item whose main skill is getting drooled on, your baseline knowledge of companies and products is understandably limited. Even if you’re not a raggedy plush ape, it can help to pretend you are, starting at square one to make sure you’ve got a grasp on some fundamentals.
It’s challenging to type with your short arms and oven mitt hands, and voice-to-text doesn’t usually pick up your timbre, so be judicious with your search queries. Focus on things like the company vision, number of people they’re helping bomb on the reg, and key job responsibilities. Every interview is an argument, and getting these basics down will make sure your rhetorical framing is unshakeable.
Get your lighting right
Perception is everything. With the right setup, you can almost make a hiring manager forget you’re a toy monkey sold in airports during the Clinton administration and subjected to years of rough play and emotional turmoil. You want strong but diffused natural light from a dead-on angle. You can also smear a little Aquaphor on your webcam for a bit of the old Hollywood look.
If you’re dealing with more wildfire smoke, sideways hail, or nuclear fallout than usual, consider investing in a sun lamp or dedicated video conference light. Just be sure to drape it with a sheer curtain first.
These tweaks will help you look slightly less raggedy, but don’t try to fool anyone. Wear your threadbare patches and pell-mell creasing with pride. Some might consider these a sign of resilience and humility, two traits corporations are obsessed with. Make this part of your brand.
Speaking of…
Differentiate yourself, even from other plush apes
Why this raggedy plush ape, and why now?
If the role you’re interviewing for is like any other, you’ll be competing with humans, agents, plush apes in various states of disrepair, knockoff Labubus, and the disposable vapes Antifa programmed to become sentient.
In such a competitive landscape, personal brand is everything—and no, your personal brand is not Ty. A brand is what makes you you, and more importantly, what makes you NOT any of the other people (ape or non, plush or non) applying for this role.
Here’s a good template for a personal brand statement:
I’m a [person] who [does thing] to [goal for which the corporation absolutely gags].
Example (for a role with Cigna’s digital euthanasia solutions): I’m an experienced monkey-type analyst who aligns real-time user data with org goals to elevate product vision in lockstep with user health outcomes.
You don’t need to actually say this statement in the interview, but every choice you make and response you give needs to service this narrative.
Preempt the interviewer’s concerns
They’ll probably have a few. Who can blame them? The interview is the first time the hiring team is seeing you1, so you need to put them at ease.
It might go something like this:
Yes, I’m a ran-through plush ape. Yeah, there are some parts of me that are kind of scaly or beige that shouldn’t be scaly or beige. However, these experiences have made me uniquely equipped to drive revenue because [company-specific value prop here].
You might say I’ve been literally put through the wringer! Ha! (Interviewer laughs also.) I hope that addresses your concerns.
Use the STAR method in your responses
Basic advice, but it bears repeating.
The STAR method means each of your interview answers must contain the following elements, usually in this order:
Super cute
Truth
Achievements
Raggedy? No way!
Super cute
Begin each response by looking very coy and loveable. You don’t have eyelashes, but tilt your crusty head as if you were batting them. Maybe pantomime tucking your hair behind your ear with your little mitt.
Truth
This is where you present a statement as an absolute and undeniable truth. For example, “My customer support track record is so unwaveringly positive that the FBI got involved.”
Achievements
This is where you show your receipts for the truth you just claimed. For example, “I was number 1; I got a trophy for it.”
Raggedy? No way!
This part isn’t about denying your actual raggediness—remember, you already owned up to it anyway. It’s more about denying the connotations and inherent biases people hear when you self-identify as raggedy. You could say something like, “But rest assured, I actually don’t have stuffing coming out of any of my limbs, and if I did, it wouldn’t impact my ability to maintain feature velocity.”
Stay calm and collected
You might have a tendency to rattle when you gesture too wildly or get excited. A sound like that can be alienating to a hiring manager who’s trying to build their team during imperial collapse. Engage your core, try not to move your head around too much, and breathe deeply before answering each question. Imagine you’re atop a parade float or on trial for murder.
Pick one or two places in the interview to “break” and show enthusiasm or passion, which enhances your perception as a genuine person with a strong #brand. In those moments, you may jingle and reveal an almost Muppet-like affability. This is, generally speaking, irresistible.
Dress the part
A simple cardigan or jaunty scarf can go a long way. Know your body type—as a raggedy plush ape, yours is likely Crescent Roll. Research how to make that shape look good in a business setting without looking like a slut, prude, slob, terrorist, source of confusion, or actual crescent roll.
You might also consider a wig. This isn’t for everyone, but it can be a real confidence boost.
Watch your body language
As a raggedy plush ape, your arms might have a tendency to flop lackadaisically onto your haunches. Resist this urge. Stop slouching also. A rounded spine lacks focus and collaborative verve.
Even though you don’t have shoulders or a spine, imagine that you do, and stand like someone would stand if they had bones there. (Sitting is usually not recommended, given your height vis-à-vis most webcam setups.)
Smize
The most important part :)
Happy job hunting!
LinkedIn’s “no plush ape profiles” policy is deeply problematic but outside the scope of this article.
This is absolutely incredible while also being surprisingly helpful!!!