Becoming M3gan

We did it, Joe.

A few days into the new year, I rolled up to the AMC at Lakeline Mall, as is my birthright. The air was crisp, the corn was popping, and I was demurely frothing at the mouth to witness the latest killer robot girl live, laugh, and love. At long last, it was M3gan day.

We’ve all needed this. M3gan promises a stylish, you-go-girl spin on mundane things like mass deaths and becoming irrevocably bound to technology. Plus, she does little flips, commands the room, and wears cool sunglasses. Ally!

As the absolute target audience for this movie, I had already decided I’d love it. But it would have won me over anyway—the looks, the music choices, the feats of puppetry

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, the absolute cuntiness. I also knew there was something I had to get ahead of before Halloween, and (god help us) before Pride.

So in the parking lot after the movie, I emailed Coco Coquette, Austin’s premier wig-slash-costume-slash-beauty shop. Subject line: Can you make me into M3gan?

It was asking a lot.

But I knew if anyone could help me with this transformation, it would be Coco Coquette. They previously indulged a lore-rich drag fantasy for me and Travis and did not bat an eye when I approached them with another Scheme. They’d take care of the makeup, some photos, and the very specific wig, and I’d supply the costume.

The ‘fit

Look. If you Google “M3gan outfit” now, you can easily get an all-in-one replica of her weird peacoat dress, striped shirt, and preppy little scarf/tie/ribbon thing. But 1) these options were not available at the time I was sourcing my M3gan outfit and 2) where’s the artistry?

For the weak-willed, the visionless.

Instead, I scoured Goodwill for a beige blouse, eBay for a brown silk trench coat, the entire internet for that fucking striped scarf

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, and the Target clearance section for some opaque white tights

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. Add in some pieces I already had, and we were ready to rock

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& roll

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.

The face

Makeup was going to be the trickiest part of this whole thing. M3gan has one of the roundest, plumpest faces I’ve seen this side of Hello Kitty. She’s the quintessential cherub microplastic. Glowy cheeks! Button nose! Eyes like globes of fondant pressed just so into the top of a cupcake! I have had dark circles since age 4.

Before and after the M3ganing.

Turns out the key here was a wild amount of highlighter radiating outward from my nose, plus some contouring to make my face look shorter and less jaw-forward. The makeup artist also nailed M3gan’s surprising love of bottom eyeliner. And all these elements were pretty matte, which helped sell the uncanniness.

The wig

Coco Coquette sourced the best, most severe, doll-est looking wig for this. The hairline? Pristine. The shine? Unsettling. It needed to aggressively read as doll hair. The wig they found for me did not disappoint.

It just so happens this wig will also work for the colonizer American Girl doll.

SHOPPIN <3

After the makeover was complete, I didn’t have any particularly M3gany activities planned. I figured I’d just do what I do whenever I want to connect to a higher consciousness and go to the mall. Not back to Lakeline, though—M3gan’s a fancy bitch. I slithered over to Austin’s problematic luxury mixed-use development and girlboss playground, The Domain.

I walked around, struck some poses, drank some bubble tea (M3gan seemed like an earl grey 25% sugar to me), looked at handbags, and provided a lot of Domainers with a wacky little weekend anecdote. People’s reactions were plentiful, varied, and on the whole extremely gleeful. I felt like Santa Claus, if Santa did flawless renditions of “Titanium” and ripped little boys’ ears off.

I recommend this experience. Love & light!

1. Damn I love puppets. Watch this space.

2. Thank you to a random antiques dealer in Kansas who mostly sells dog figurines.

3. These will undoubtedly usher in a newly unhinged fashion era for me.

4. serve

5. slay