So you want to be a shrimp papa

Log off and tend your herd.

It has come to my attention that shrimp are trending lately. This I find troubling. With trendiness comes hubris, lack of commitment, and a certain lackadaisical froth. While such popularization doesn’t threaten my shrimpkeeping, which predates TikTok, it makes me concerned for future generations.

I am here to uphold tradition. Propriety. Legacy.

If you find yourself interested in shrimpapadom, wade through the haze of memes and clout-chasers. Follow these steps instead.

Get a tank

When I was a young papa, everyone knew to wait for the Dollar Per Gallon sale at Pet-Co’s. Now it’s some horseshit like “50% off” for a couple weeks a year, plus tip. Thanks Obama!

You’ll have the best luck on Craigslist, where you can buy an entire setup from a guy who primarily dropships barstools. Use search terms like “algae,” “needs cleaning,” or “tanke.”

No, a bigger one

No pussy-footing here. Commit to 15 gallons or more. Anything less is a bowl. Bowls are for cereal. You will keep tank.

Another promising option from Craigslist.

Get wet

Relish getting your hands dirty, especially at the beginning. Roll up your sleeves or, ideally, take your shirt off entirely to form more of a connection with the habitat. Add gravel, soil, plants. Lots of plants. Make it look respectable. Drown it all, slowly.

Cycle the tank. This is not my job to teach you. Your nitrate levels are between you and God.

Get shrimp

This is not rocket science:

1. Go to your local fish store (LFS).

2. Stand in the entryway and, projecting from your diaphragm, say “Give me 10 red cherry shrimp—half male, half ladies.”

3. Stand by for 20 minutes while the tween employee finagles them out of the tank with a net made for American Girl Dolls.

4. Pay for the shrimp. Do not crack wise about cooking them. It will not be well received.

5. Attach the shrimp bag (SB) securely to the sport rack of your car and drive home.

6. Float the SB into the aquarium, playing a little Billy Joel to help the shrimp acclimate and feel comfortable.

You will know they are settled when they each sit on their own leaf.

Decide what kind of shrimp papa you are going to be

There’s the ever-popular Hat Papa, which is any shrimpkeeper who wears this style of hat. You run your tank like the Marines. You test your water twice a week. You shave your forearms for ease of drying.

Maybe you’re a Crunchy Papa, laid-back and more into the gardening aspect of shrimpkeeping. Tie dye, kombucha, and the occasional incense swizzle stick in the tank.

There’s Tech Papa, always on top of the best new filters and lighting systems. Takes incredible shrimp pics. Admirable to an extent, but also the most likely to try to exploit the herd to become a shrimpfluencer.

Mood lighting is very Tech Papa

Other types—General Fish Papa, Genetics Papa, Sephora Papa, and Burlesque Papa—are also worth looking into but are even more of a commitment. Choose wisely.

Don’t be so in your face about it

Do not advertise your proclivity unnecessarily. Do not use your shrimp as a “fun fact” during the icebreaker at your work offsite. Do not buy that mug on Etsy. Post no more than 1 shrimp pic per quarter. Do not discuss the shrimp unless asked.

Remember, a healthy pellet of self-loathing in your gut keeps you humble and interesting. Your shrimpkeeping should be a Tier 3 data point, alongside your home address, gender, and JFK theories.

Have some class

When adding visual interest to your tank, forgo the licensed IP. Your shrimp do not live in a pineapple under the sea. Nor are they human men diving for a treasure chest. And they are not in the Bluey universe.

Meet your shrimp on their own terms. Real plants of any kind are best. Beyond that, a rock is fine and functional decor. A “tree” made of a twig and moss is frivolous but forgivable. When in doubt, anubias nana and a prayer.

Provide sustenance

If you planted your tank and cycled it right, you’re good to go. You have devised a rugged yet kawaii ecosystem. However, if you are feeling unnecessary and want to change up the shrimp’s typical biomatter diet, try any of the following:

• Zucchini shards—Chop them small, chop them sharp. A tapered point helps the shrimp start chomping more easily.

• “Confetti”—Place blanched kale, heirloom tomatoes, ube, and edible glitter in a food processor. Pulse twice.

• ZOOMIN!—A drop of your morning coffee.

• The Sacred Bond—Cut some hair off. Chop it into half-inch pieces. Mix with peanut butter. Form into a heart.

Offer enrichment

• Play at least 4 films a week in the vicinity of the shrimp.

• Drop scrolls of important literature.

  

• Lean in close and describe the taste of the food you are eating.

• Arrange art viewings.

  

• Let the shrimp kiss your fingers when they really want to.

Check the filter

Are they in there? Many shrimp love to let themselves get sucked up into the filter chamber and then carouse there until they die. While you should ultimately respect their decisions, do your best to avoid this outcome.

Check the filter again

Are you sure there aren’t shrimp in there? If you find any, call the LFS and get that tween with the net to come get them out. Don’t purchase your own net. The LFS needs the repeat business.

You are stimulating the economy. You are doing what’s needed. You are shrimp papa.

#shrimpstrong