Last-minute gifts for your sleep paralysis demons
The real nightmare? Being caught empty-handed!
The holidays are upon us, and if you’re reading this, you probably still don’t have a gift for the sleep paralysis demon(s) in your life.
No judgment here; these babes are notoriously hard to shop for! They know so much about you, and you know almost nothing about them given that you’re unable to move or speak when they descend upon you.
Don’t worry girl, we’ve got you. Read on for ideas on what to get your SPDs, no matter their vibe!
Standard man
There might not be much to him, being just a nebulous masculine shape and all, but he’s dependable. And a dependable guy deserves dependable gear. Opt for practical favorites like a rugged YETI cooler, a tactical-inspired Timex, or durable Everyday Carry (EDC) components like this carabiner so you can hear him jingle jangling through the threshhold.
He’s not a stereotype—he’s just easy to please!
Quiet friend
We’re not supposed to pick favorites, but isn’t this one kind of everyone’s favorite? Such a calming, positive presence at the foot of your bed deserves something special. Consider something with a bit of whimsy (or even noise!) to really impress them this season.
Our suggestions: This fidget necklace, Jojo Siwa makeup brushes, or even this easy-to-use audio sampler for fun and communication!
Gaping Maw
It’s easy to forget she’s more than rows and rows of teeth latching onto your kneecaps. For a stand-out gift, show appreciation that goes beyond the maw and speaks to her inner It girl.
Consider Zodiac jewelry, a throwback beaded handbag, or a luxe badminton set for her nights off.
Just an incubus
Hey, nothing wrong with that.
Our recs: Everybody Loves Raymond: The Complete Series on DVD or a gift card to Ruth’s Chris Steak House.
The Wall Weeper
What do you get the demon who has everything? Who also cries from inside the wall behind your bed until the plaster becomes wet enough for them to burrow through?
To really wow them, indulge their depth of feeling. Opt for Ocean Vuong’s Night Sky with Exit Wounds or Carrie & Lowell on vinyl—they hurt so good! Or, in the other direction, a Gumby mask or pinwheel cap might spark unexpected cheer.
The Grasp of Saturn
Opera gloves! For sensory enrichment during all the choking.
“Mommy? Mommy?”
Finally, what does one get for the child of indeterminate age and gender calling from under your mattress? Other publications swear by L.O.L. Surprise Dolls (especially with the introduction of L.O.L. Boys), but considering those have under-researched moon powers, we recommend one of the following safer options:
This plucky marionette (or this one for a splurge!)
A rock tumbler (TIP: place it in another room to prevent the child from coming into yours in the first place!)
Bluey & Jean Luc’s Caravan Adventures Playset
Happy holidays!